Do you have a BIG appetite for tweets? Do you just want to eat ’em up all day?
Well, that’s weird. You should talk to someone about that. Your diet needs attention and you probably keep breaking your phones when you bite them.
But if you’re just into READING funny tweets, that we can help you with. We’ve got a bunch right here! Just, yanno, try not to lick your screen or whatever. Ya weirdo.
Here’s ten tasty tweets that you can’t actually taste.
10. Hot ticket items
“I’m also told that you’re keeping monsters in closets? This is gonna be an expensive write-up.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 23, 2018
9. Upper crust
When I was a kid I called it the “pizza bone.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: I wish everyone who didn't eat the crust on pizza would die.
Genie: Ok, that's a pretty good wish. You still have three left, that one's on me.— Syed M. M. Raza (@syedmmraza) March 11, 2019
8. No bones about it
There’s nothing humerus about this.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) February 27, 2018
7. Loaves and wishes
Eating bread and butter is my bread and butter.
Been getting a lot of bread lately. Not money but my carb intake is just unreal
— macklemore🌭 (@macallmaryhew) October 22, 2018
6. Say wat?
And can we stop it with this “medium power setting” crap? There’s no button for that, shut up.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) August 1, 2018
5. Absolutely hysterical
History has been a lot of fun.
1870:
Man: My wife, whom had 4 babies and 0 orgasms this year, and is not allowed to vote, cries a lot
Doctor: Obviously she is insane.— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) July 31, 2016
4. Spray anything
You are technically correct. The best kind of correct.
https://twitter.com/captainkalvis/status/939189866776031232
3. Spider man
If this logic holds up than I am somehow a very tall building in disguise.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) November 28, 2016
2. Doggy positivity
If you don’t call your dog “nakey” at least once a day are you even a pet owner?
every time i get brushed. i have to take my collar off. the human always laughs. and says that i’m naked. but joke’s on them. i’m very confident in my body
— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) September 1, 2018
1. Market inflation
Kids these days will never understand the simple things.
https://twitter.com/jaeIeon/status/1063176325496758272
Ah, delicious and filling. What a wonderful tweet treat to take a little break with.
Who do you think we should be following on Twitter right now?
Tell us in the comments!