You think you know someone and then you realize you don’t know them at all. That has to be quite a jarring experience, especially when you’re in a relationship or married to that person.

AskReddit users shared their painful, personal stories about learning that partners were leading different lives.

1. Scandalous

“I was seeing this girl. We met at work, and hit it off pretty quickly. Things were pretty normal. We’d go out, come back to my place, do our thing and then sometimes she’d stay or other times she’d head home. This went on for about a year.

So when things started to get weird was when we went out to a bar, both got sh^tfaced, and I said well your place is like a few miles down the road, let’s just crash there. She was adamant about getting a cab back to my place. Seemed a little weird but whatever, yay drunk sex. So this happened a few more times, she’d always have excuses, her place was a mess. She was painting. Etc. At this point it’s not adding up.

So one night I decide to surprise her at home, figuring she would be happy to split a pizza and a 6 pack. She’s not home. But her fiancée is. Turns out he’s a pretty cool guy, has suspected something is going on with her, says she’s been staying late at work a lot lately, including tonight. No she isn’t.

So we decide to split the pizza, watch the baseball game and wait for her. I will never forget the look of oh I’m f*cked on her face when she strolled through the door and saw her fiancée and her boyfriend sitting on the couch eating pizza and drinking beer.

TLDR: If stupid things don’t add up, it’s usually for a good reason.”

2. One thing you should NEVER lie about

“He pretended to have combat-induced PTSD, that he used as an excuse for his sh^tty behavior. Turned out he was never in combat, but he talked about it every day, all the time to everyone.

It’s usually just when the lies don’t add up, dates and names change and there are obvious things that you choose to ignore (he told me he talked to his dad about it all the time, but when I went to meet his parents he said that they don’t know anything about it so don’t bring it up).”

3. Another woman

“My dude had to go home and help with his ailing stepdad on the weekends. Initially, I was apprehensive because they had a rocky past, but was convinced because family is family, right? So it must be true.

He’d leave the city Fri afternoon, return Monday night – it was a three hour drive out to the middle of the nowhere and was almost a decade ago when cell service wasn’t that great, and I worked overnights at a hospital; it worked out.

This went on for a year and a half before I broke up with him. You see, things weren’t adding up, I wasn’t allowed to talk to his Mom or sis anymore, we were growing distant, he’d get very agitated with me. Also, I was never invited to go with him, I mean I could have asked for time off … Therefore, I hired a PI.

Turned out he’d hop a ferry to Canada and visit some other woman … I wound up contacting the other woman after I kicked him out. She and I exchanged some info, filling in a lot of the missing pieces for both of us; she was pissed she was bamboozled and broke up with him too.

Through some friends, I received news a year later that his stepfather died, but this guy never visited and had actually become estranged from the family, and they didn’t know where he even was. About a year later he contacted me and told me he had lung cancer and wanted to be my friend again. This wasn’t reciprocated, partially because his lung cancer info never added up (I’m in the medical field, you can’t fool me man), but mostly because I didn’t trust him, so why bother? I told him to pound sand. This escalated his illness AND said he had now suffered a concussion due to a bicycle accident. Keep in mind this was all via text and a few phone calls, we did not live around one another. When I still would not spend time with him (he wanted to watch Netflix over Skype or play video games), he said a former lover proposed marriage and he was leaving the country to be with/marry her. It’s been over a year since I’ve heard from him, but fully expect something in a few months because he does this cyclical pattern when he contacts me.

Okay guy.”

4. Swinger

“Not my partner, but my boss (married mother of two) was always taking long lunches, forgetting things, dressing particularly nicely for normal days, seeming a little tipsy after lunch. Once, a friend mentioned the neighborhood she’d moved into appeared to have a big swingers vibe, and my boss laughed out loud but went back to her work, saying nothing.

We’d make jokes she was having an affair but I don’t think anyone believed it. She was a proper southern lady, dedicated to her family, or so we thought.

After she passed away (RIP) they found a highly detailed s^x log that specified huge numbers of guys and a liaison almost every day except the week she and her family took their annual vacation.

She used code for the guy, the hotel, and details like 2 O’s… 🙂 or *boring 🙁 * or likes oral 😀 “

5. Secret family

“I am actually descended from a secret family, my granddad cheated on his original family (i think he had 4 / 5 kids at the time) with my grandma (who was 20 – 30 years younger than him)

My grandma told my mum a little before she died, having successfully kept a secret for decades.

Its pretty weird to think I have a whole group of relatives in Ireland I know nothing about. And ireland isn’t exactly a big country.”

6. Hidden habit

“I found the hidden heroin habit when I found him not breathing in the bathroom and the paramedics that came asked me if he’s taken anything… I didn’t know heroin enemas existed.

Paramedics unable to revive him and every year I think about what could have been…. :/ “

7. Mistress

“I was with a guy for about 6 months who would get really awkward when this one friend of his would call. He’d clench up when I’d ask about her and we’d always end up in a fight. Obviously, he turned it around and said I was insecure and jealous. He broke up with me pretty abruptly and didn’t give me much of a reason. Turns out I was the mistress and she was the girlfriend. They’re getting married this year.”

8. Ouch

“I just found out 12 days ago that a guy I have been seeing for the past 14 months is getting married soon. So, yes, ouch! Hang in there.”

9. Married

“I was with my ex-bf for almost 2 years when I found out he was MARRIED. His ex-wife (got divorced when she found out he was cheating on her + blamed her for not getting pregnant to justify his cheating) She ended up having serious health issues, i found out about his marriage when she contacted me, i apologized to her and i felt like sh^t for the next 6 months about it.

As for that as$hole, i’ve confronted him and he tried to act like he’s the victim, i’ve never felt sorry for someone like that my whole life, totally pathetic. Few months back i saw that the ex-wife got married and has a beautiful baby now. That as$hole still lives with his mom and adds random girls on Facebook trying to get laid.”

10. Pure evil

“I dated a guy in University who told me pretty much right away that he had terminal cancer and had about a year to live. I really liked him so I decided that I would stay with him and support him through it. He never wanted to talk about it and when I’d try to check in with him he’d go quiet and change the subject. He told me that I was the only person who knew about it and that I wasn’t allowed to talk about it with anyone else. Well we ended up dating for three years, and I never once witnessed a doctor’s appointment or any type of symptom (and I was still the only person who apparently “knew”).

He became incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive, tried to isolate me from friends and family, and eventually became physically abusive. Of course, whenever I would try to leave he’d use his “condition” to play on my emotions (and naivete) to get me to stay. He’d also physically block the door, pin me down, and do whatever he could to prevent me from physically leaving.

I’ll never forget the day I told him that he was such a good person with a good heart (something to do with how he was handling an issue with his alc*holic mother), and he mumbled “No, I’m really not”. I thought then that he was being humble, but looking back on it, it was probably guilt.

I’ve built a happy and successful life for myself now and have a wonderfully loving and supportive partner, but it still makes me full body cringe to think of how I spent so much time with what I consider to be pure evil.”