Every single human in existence has done something really dumb. If we’re lucky enough, we get to witness others do something remarkably stupid.
But sometimes we do or see something happen that nobody needs to know about… ever. Because even if you tried to explain it to others, they would probably want to edge away from you slowly.
These 17 folks have some doozies to share, so let’s get to it!
17. “For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and…”
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better. I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with piss.
It was not funny to do it with piss.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud. If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn’t really move because it’s water vapor and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like….well…like burnt piss, and you can also taste it.
The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work. I was sort of a naughty kid anyhow, so she thought I had started a fire with something. In order to avoid a worse punishment I had to take dumbsponsibility.
That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred.
16. “Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom…”
My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn’t think any more of it.
Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something.
Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves.
Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.
15. “…sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my pee.”
I had internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that.
I went to take a piss and my girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my pee.
And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl.
I did.
But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “when did you know she was the one?”
14. “The look on his face still haunts me.”
One fateful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason I was sure I was hella late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.
What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, naked, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he on the other hand looked like he had been caught chugging milk by the ghost of Hitler. Then I looked up at the clock.
It was 4 AM. I really didn’t understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.
The look on his face still haunts me.
Edit: I forgot to mention that he never put the carton down. He just stared at me in shock, milk to mouth, until I left. For all I know he stood there chugging milk with all night.
13. “We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him…”
When my uncle died we were going through his house to clear it.
We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn’t have many.
Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of porn quality pictures of himself partaking in his fetish. 60 year old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.
Myself and my father were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again.
12. “…on my screen was a huge picture of an erect…”
I follow a bunch of weird blogs/tags on tumblr and was scrolling through my feed. I would usually alt/tab in 0.1 seconds if I was fapping or whatever but since I wasn’t looking at any porn, I didn’t bother to hide what I was doing.
I kept scrolling, then turned round (whilst still scrolling) to see my mum come in my room to put some laundry on a cabinet. Unbeknownst to me, right as she came in the room, on my screen was a huge picture of an erect horse****.
I have no idea why it was on the blog and I did not intentionally look for it, but it was right there.
In the middle of the screen.
11. “When she ran into the joint, she paused…”
This is my friend’s story.
She smoked weed a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time she came downstairs in the morning to find a joint sitting on the kitchen counter.
She knew for sure it wasn’t hers and that she wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon after walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen.
When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said “oh uh” and quickly brushed it into her hand and got rid of it.
They both pretended it never happened.
10. “…told her I was sorry and loved her very much.”
Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut.
I was about to sh*t my pants.
I looked around and noticed we were no where near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my ass over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts.
It was over quite quickly thankfully.
My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.
9. “Things are weird around the holidays.”
Matched with my cousin on Tinder.
I was like “wow she is ho…. O my god that’s my cousin!” while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched.
I just messaged her and said we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we’ve never spoken about it.
Things are weird around the holidays.
We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediatly to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.
8. “I had to go to my Mom…”
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack, attached to a very private place.
I had to go to my Mom and get her to help detach it.
When she finished, she told me we didn’t ever have to talk about this again if I didn’t want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn’t want to.
7. “I was instructed to not do that and to not tell anyone.”
One time at camp there was this really high rope climb activity that we received daily merits for and I was naturally good.
My group was fairly large as I was quite younger and one day while climbing I almost hit the top but ran out of energy. I squirmed my legs up and down grasping at rope when a glorious burst of happy nectar flooded my grub worm for the first time.
It never came to a pinnacle because it was as if that was the baseline experience. I did this everyday until climbing the rope was the least of my worries.
One teacher thought the behavior was odd and asked me why I stopped at the top every time and squirmed around. I said it feels really good. I was instructed to not do that and to not tell anyone.
A couple years later I discovered a pool jet..
6. “She was not my mom.”
In middle school my crush’s mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV with similar license plates.
After school one day I ran up hopped in my mom’s car and started talking when she didn’t talk back and hadn’t left the pick-up line I looked at her.
I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I was crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.
A few years later I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store.
My crush came through the line and recognized me and started to say weren’t you that girl who…where I just interrupted with a “yes” handed him his change and quickly started the next customer.
5. “It was a bonding moment.”
I put my head in my friends horse mask, only to realize it was where he left all of his used masturbation tissues.
It was a bonding moment.
I took 3 showers.
4. “…just hand me a plunger and some bleach.”
Had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his home town the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet… which of course, I blocked in the morning with a t*rd the size of Mt Fuji.
After 30 mins of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.
I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently his gf did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I’m not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
3. “I asked him how much it was worth to him…”
When i was 17 a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. Something like 40km over the speed limit.
My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC I RAISED YOU BETTER and all that.
But It turns out I wasn’t the driver that day, dad had borrowed it to pick something up.
I asked him how much it was worth to him for me to take the fall knowing she’d turn on him with the fury of a angry mama bear.
And that’s I got myself a new HDTV that year.
2. “…my mum edged towards me…”
My mum heard me talking to my best friend about the new edition of International club porn magazine that had Geri Halliwell naked in it.
I got back from school one day and there was a brown paper bag on the sofa which my mum edged towards me and walked off.
14 year old me was forever grateful.
You’re the best mum!
1. “Dude I just saw your…”
I was at a pool party in 8th grade.
I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me “Dude I just saw your d!ck.”
Me: “No you didn’t”
Friend: “You’re right, I didn’t”
Never spoke about him seeing it again.
True story, I once loaded something very questionable onto a friend’s home screen as their wallpaper right before their parent’s visited them at college.
He was not pleased at having to explain any of that.