There’s a horror trope so old that it’s been thoroughly disassembled, analyzed, and reconstituted into new tropes over and over again at this point: the overconfident, clueless white people who ignore huge red flags and subject themselves to danger at every turn, never seeming to learn anything.
You know, like these dummies…
Photo Credit: A24
It’s the sort of thing that has historically had audiences yelling from their seats in frustration. “Why are they going in there?! Why are they staying!? Don’t they realize they’re going to die?? It’s so obvious!”
Then you throw your popcorn at the screen and leave the theater muttering about you’d be way smarter than that if YOU were dealing with psycho killers and ghosts.
But it’s just a trope, right? Surely we’re not talking about real behavior?
Well…
Fiction author Olivia Cole had an amazing non-fiction tale to tell on her Twitter account about the day she became the living embodiment of that trope while she and her husband were looking for a new place to live. It begins:
Prologue:
So I may have done the whitest thing imaginable today. I never thought I would be this white woman.
But here we are. Join me for this story
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 1: The Bungalow
We really want more space so have been checking out rental homes. Today we saw this cute older house. A bungalow. I was all pic.twitter.com/w8N5hBgH8N
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 2: Dark & Stormy
I'm all "No! it's just rainy! It's cute!" So the agent starts giving us the tour.
First thing we notice is this weird grate thing inside.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 3: Grate Expectations
Agent: "Oh that's just the return vent for the AC."
Me: "Oh okay!"
Husband: "Why does it look like the bars to a dungeon?"
Agent: pic.twitter.com/peolDuk2lK
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 4: Scratching the Surface
"What are these scratches on the window?"
Agent: "Oh, I think it's tough to open so probably a little wear and tear."
Me: "Oh okay!"
Him: pic.twitter.com/DJOgLCTKgi
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 5: Cleaning Out My Closet
Husband *inspecting closet*: "Um…what is this little door inside the closet?"
Agent: "What little door? Oh. I didn't notice that." pic.twitter.com/PIk60dCYMY
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 6: Get Out
Agent: "Let's check out the basement next, shall we?"
Me: "Okay!"
Husband: "I mean…"
We go to the basement.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 7: The Door
Husband immediately: "What does that door go to?"
Agent quickly: "Oh, I don't think it goes anywhere. We don't have a key."
Me: Ok!
Him: pic.twitter.com/4x4ISH3DXb
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 8: Locked Up
Agent: "Let's check out the backyard, shall we?"
Me: "Okay!"
Husband: "Lord Jesus."
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 9: Devil’s in the Details
There's a latticework thingy that hides the underside of the house. I see a door.
Me: See? There's the door! It just goes to the backyard!
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 10: Floor Plans
And he was right. The door I was looking at had a window into the basement. The place where the Devil-locked door should have been was empty
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 11: No Way in Hell
We get in the car. Drive away down the gray empty street. I say,
"So…what did you think?"
Husband: pic.twitter.com/nYzI0VFRpl
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chapter 12: Rosebush’s Baby
Well, everyone. Today. Today I was that white woman.
The devil almost got me for some goddamn rosebushes and a built-in china cabinet.
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Epilogue:
lol yes he is. The only thing that saved us
— Olivia A. Cole (@RantingOwl) May 11, 2017
Chilling stuff. And an important reminder. Fellow white people, let us never ignore the red flags around us. And stop moving into murder mansions, it just doesn’t go well for anybody.
What’s the whitest white thing you’ve ever done / witnessed?
Tell us the tale in the comments.