Alright, you clicked on a thumbnail with “boner” in the title, you know what you’re here for. Let’s talk about sexuality and biology and awkward body stuff. For most of us guys, suddenly having to find a way to physically hide the fact you’re excited is a bizarre adventure that starts around 13 and ends when you’re, I don’t know, maybe 80?
And “excited” isn’t even the right word, because – especially when you’re younger – these things can pop up more or less at random. Did a stray sexy thought cross your mind for .2 seconds? Have a boner. Sitting in a chair for a while? Boner time. Oh, did you go to sleep and then wake up? Well, then you CLEARLY need a boner.
But this thread isn’t about the male experience. Prof_Alchem (whom we can assume is a real professor) took to r/AskReddit to make this inquiry, for science:
There were TONS of replies, some surrounding sexuality, others just about the weird, dumb things our bodies do. Here are some of the top rated responses.
1. The pad was indicated to be an enemy to women everywhere.
Back in the days of bulky menstrual pads it was horrible when you didn’t anchor it down quite right and suddenly you had a pad wedgie.
Front or back. Both were a proper chore to adjust in the wild.
– eremophilaalpestris
2. New moms get a whole new set of challenges.
As a breastfeeding mother – when my husband gets me excited my boobs leak.
– JayBeCee
3. It’s all about noise reduction.
Having to wear an audible feminine hygiene product.
Some honestly sound like you’re wearing a plastic bag in your underwear, but if you get caught out – sometimes you’re reduced to wearing one.
You spend the rest of the day trying to move as carefully as possible so not to make too much noise.
– Elle_Muppet
4. You can’t control what you can’t control.
You know when your boyfriend keeps taking his penis all the way out of you and putting it back in and shoving a whole bunch of air inside of you.
And then you try to avoid queefing, but you really can’t because queefs don’t work that way
– AndyJCohen
5. Who doesn’t LOVE a good wedgie?
Getting underwear stuck up your crack or vag and having to do a sort of wiggle to get it loose
– [user deleted]
6. Everybody’s got something that wants to stand at attention.
Trying to hide erect nipples, it’s not necessarily cold outside or in a situation where I’m turned on, they just do it.
– PM_ME_VEG_PICS
7. Bras, bruh.
Wearing a baggy hoodie to hide you aren’t wearing a bra/bra doesn’t support enough.
– HydrangeaInBloom
8. Here’s one that a lot of people concurred with.
I don’t know if everyone experiences this or not, but every so often I get this INTENSE tingle/itch sent to my clit, and when it happens in public it is excruciating not to be able to adjust it or make it go away.
Normally only lasts abt a minute but oh my god.
– helpmeaghhh
9. You gotta march to the beat of your own drummer.
My girlfriend answered this; “Your cooch starts pulsing like a heart beat and is very distracting”
– Metalhead_Memer
10. The bra presents many a puzzle.
trying to adjust the underwire in your bra subtly without looking like you’re fondling yourself
– padlockkey
11. Of course, period problems ranked supreme.
The real answer to this question is: realizing out of the blue that you might leave a blood stain on whatever surface you’re sitting on, and shifting around uncomfortably to prevent direct contact. The fear of damaging another person’s property is considerably more potent than shame.
– postsure
12. This one is weirdly specific but it checks out.
Trying to extract a hair from between your boobs when you don’t actually know where it is will probably be the equivalent to adjusting your dick I guess
– ErmlinaC
13. These are serious wedge issues.
Cameltoe.
Literally the bane of my entire existence.
I’m always pulling down the crotch of my pants because I think it’s showing.
– weenieZ
14. Not all that many responses actually revolved around being turned on.
I think for me it’s breathing heavy lol. When I get turned on I have to try really hard to keep my breath calm.
I swear I have like an aroused energy that radiates too and that just makes it worse.
– miss_smif
15. But a few made fair points about it.
Well as a very fair-skinned person, I blush very easily, and there’s nothing like a super hot guy to make it happen uncontrollably.
I also get bullet hard nips for hormonal reasons (rather than just the cold) and it can be very hard to hide at times.
– [user deleted]
No matter your gender identity or your biological set up, our bodies are crazy and give us all sorts of problems. If you see someone bein’ awkward about it, give ’em some space. They’re trying their best.
What would be your answer to this question?
Tell us in the comments.